16 totally pointless apps that shame the iPhone £99
11th Nov 2008 | 11:40
There are no rubbish iPhone apps, right? Wrong!
Some iPhone apps are beautifully designed, a joy to use and a positive force in every iPhone owner's life. Others aren't. Come with us as we discover the iPhone apps whose best features are their icons.
And, in case you really want to look, the links in this article will take you to the app in iTunes.
1. Amuck Plumb-bob
If you've ever wished your £159-plus-£30-per-month iPhone could emulate a weighted bit of string, today is your lucky day. Only a churl would point out that a bit of string does an even better impression of a bit of string, or that string costs quite a bit less than an iPhone.
2. Cold Beer
There are two kinds of people in the world: normal people, and people who like to calculate how long it'll take to get their beer to a specific temperature in the fridge. Only the first group get invited to parties.
Flashlight turns your iPhone into a handy torch, but you can get the same effect by launching any iPhone app with a white background – Mail, Contacts…
4. Geek Binary Clock
Clocks: useful. Binary clocks: not so much.
This app phones your gran. That's it. Grandpa, Dad, Mom and My Girl are also available.
6. Green Light
Like Flashlight, but with an energy saving bulb. Somewhere a polar bear is crying.
7. Halloween Party
It's Halloween. The party's going with a swing. She looks at you. You look at her. She smiles. You whip out your iPhone and start randomly playing spooky sound effects. You go home alone, weeping.
8. iLunch Picker
"Aren't you tired of thinking of today's lunch menu?" asks the blurb. "Er, no," we reply.
9. Mood Glow
Look! The screen has gone a nice colour! Look! It's gone another colour! Look! You're wasting your life!
All the fun of a Zippo lighter without the actual lighter – great for concerts! Concerts for simpletons, that is.
11. Parking Meter
If you really can't remember where you parked or when the meter runs out, you've probably forgotten how to drive too. Get off the road!
You're in the middle of an earthquake. Do you (a) run like hell, praying to the deity of your choice? Or do you (b) download, install and run an iPhone app to find out just how big the earthquake is?
13. Split Bill
Is it really that hard to split a restaurant bill? And do you really need a dedicated app when every iPhone packs a calculator?
14. The Big Red Button
"Ever wanted a careful way to stop your wife from talking a mile a minute? Use the big red button to send her a nice dog barking sound note that you need a break!" Or hit her with a spade!*
15. Thief Alert
16. UK Payphone
You're carrying a phone. So why on earth would you pay money to find out where the nearest payphone is? This is either a surrealist prank or The Worst iPhone App Ever.
* Don't hit her with a spade.